Lithium
by Ketakoshka Kathleen Castlionia
Summary: Third in the My Heart is Broken series As Allen's dreams get more in depth to Neah's past, Kanda's losing what little patience he has. Rated for abuse


**Review Please!**

**Love, Keta.**

* * *

Lithium

**Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.**

**Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...**

**Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.**

**Oh, but God, I want to let it go.**

Silver pools close softly as a hand, pale like the snow that falls thick on the ground, reaches up to wipe an interfearing tear from his eye as the other tightens its grip on the pillow. He's been like this for days now; never moving, not even for food. It worries everyone, especially Kanda.

"Allen?" he whispers, nudging the boy to wake him from his depression-induced stillness. "Come on, Moyashi. You need to eat. Everyone's worried about you. I'm worried about you. Please… tell me what's wrong!"

He starts to move away, only to be tackled by the sobbing mass of depressed Allen. "Why?" he murmurs, "Why does it hurt so much?"

"What hurts so much?"

"Thinking of 'him'!" Knowing at last what's bothering his secret lover, Kanda gathers him to lay on the bed together.

**Come to bed, don't make me sleep alone.**

**Couldn't hide the emptiness, you let it show.**

**Never wanted it to be so cold.**

**Just didn't drink enough to say you love me.**

"_Adam?" The first Noah raises an eyebrow in question. "Are you coming to bed?"_

"_In a moment."_

"_I will go and find comfort in a human, if you don't hurry."_

"_You wouldn't dare."_

"_Why not?" the fourteenth asks teasingly._

"_Because no human has enough stamina to satisfy you when usually _I _can't." Neah chuckles and grasps Adam's hand to lead his lover away._

Allen wakes up to the sour smell of alcohol wafting of off of Kanda's breath. Without him noticing, he begins to cry. After all, Adam never had to drink in order to deal with Neah's problems. He never had to indulge in such a filthy habit… 'but maybe he is now. Perhaps the pain of losing Neah pushed him over the edge.

'I wonder if I left, would he feel better. Would Kanda feel better if I died?'

**I can't hold on to me,**

**Wonder what's wrong with me.**

A scream rips through the night air, coming from the Millennium Earl himself. "Neah," he sobs, crying endless tears onto the bedspread, finally letting his sorrow be known completely.

Across the land and sea, Allen cries out, awakening the other exorcists with him. "I'll go to him," Kanda murmurs, stumbling over to the thrashing boy.

"Adam!" The scream has the samurai's eyes widening in anguish. "We're sorry!"

**Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.**

**Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...**

**Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.**

Timcampy hovers above Allen's head, golden wings fluttering rapidly as he watches over his master. Worry makes his tail flick back and forth like a deranged cat and pulls his mouth back into a tooth-filled snarl. "Tim, stop being such a worry wart. I'm fine. I just need to get some sleep."

A dark ring encircles his right eye from the punch that he wasn't expecting during training with Kanda. His wrist is wrapped in a make-shift cat that he threw together with his skills that he learned during his apprenticeship to Cross. It's sprained, but that's nothing compared to his stitches from Mugen slicing through the tendons in his shoulder.

He doesn't know what caused Kanda to lose it, and he doesn't want it to happen again.

**Don't want to let it lay me down this time.**

**Drown my will to fly.**

**Here in the darkness I know myself.**

Crouched on the edge of a cliff in Venezuela, the Millennium Earl watches the white haired exorcist lip across the battlefield towards the samurai, the recovered innocence cradled in his arms. The boy's eyes hold only love that's returned with much less fire and more irritated despair.

When he passes on the innocence and turns away, his enemy notices sorrow creep in, and thick streams of tears fall from his suddenly golden pools.

**Can't break free until I let it go.**

**Let me go.**

"Kanda! Please, just look at me!" He spins around and growls. "What did I do wrong?"

"Nothing. It's me who can't do anything right." He leaves Allen standing there alone, knowing deep down that it's his fault.

**Darling, I forgive you... After all,**

**Anything is better than to be alone.**

"She's yours…"

"Neah!" The screams of an exorcist and a Noah are heard on that night, awakening their allies as tears run in never-ending streams. Then for reasons unexplainable, Allen whispers, "I forgive you."

**And in the end I guess I had to fall.**

**Always find my place among the ashes.**

**I can't hold on to me,**

**Wonder what's wrong with me.**

Allen wraps his arms around his legs and begins to cry. He's doing that a lot recently with Kanda's violence increasing in time to his drinking. And the bruises look like mottled leopard spots cover every inch of coverable inch except his eye.

Angered at looking at the curse mark everyday, Kanda slammed his head into the bed frame and then left.

**Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.**

**Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...**

**Lithium, ...stay in love with you.**

"Kanda."

"Yes, Moyashi?"

"I hate you."

Kanda's eyes narrow in anger and Allen braces himself for impact but instead gets a "what?"

"I hate you… but I love you. And I just can't take it anymore. I need someone to love me like… like…" 'Like the Millennium Earl loved Neah.' "We're finished."

**I'm gonna let it go. **


End file.
